You Sunk my Hopes, Dreams and Childhood … Thanks, Battleship

battleshipYou know … let’s just get to the point. This movie is bad. Not bad in a, yeah-it-was-a-summer-action-film-and-entertaining bad kind-of a movie … more like a colossal waste of money, so called talent, time and integrity kind- of bad. So bad in fact that, in my humble opinion, director Peter Berg needs to take his paycheck, divvy it up evenly and travel around the country handing out checks to everyone duped into choosing to see this film. It is seriously that bad.

A complete rip-off of leftover special effects, sound, music, plot and actors, “Battleship” is truly the feel bad movie of the summer. A complete popcorn bucket of sadness, the producers of past ugliness like the “Transformers” trio, have decided to exorcise all of Peter Berg’s talent out of his body and turn him into a poor man’s Michael Bay. Now, I have seen a lot of movies. Lots. So many that Netflix is losing its ability to keep me entertained. So I have seen my fair share of bad movies. Some I have grown to like … most … eh … but after this, I started to regret spending the two plus hours in the theater while there were more important things to do … like walking in a circle and flogging myself with a sock full of pennies. Believe me, more enjoyable.

The sucky thing is that this is a Peter Berg film. Peter Berg. “Friday Night Lights” Peter Berg. “FRIDAY NIGHT FRICKIN’ LIGHTS” PETER BERG. Yeah I know, “Hancock” was not good… but it had its moments … at times.

But not this.

This … this symbol of wrong.

Featuring Hollywood’s newest failure, Taylor Kitsch plays Alex Hopper, a generic loser whose big brother Stone (seriously … Stone) is a Commander in the Navy (played by Alexander Skarsgard … you know as Eric from “True Blood”) and is able to miraculously bend the law so this little felon can become a sailor. Then, after a year (or what seems like a year), this little loser is able to make his way up to officer and find himself in all this silliness. OK … let’s just stop right here for a second.


1. An officer in the Navy? Really? Undisciplined, douche bag stoner is able to become an officer in our United States Navy? I know high academic achievers who had a hard time just making it through the ASVAB. But, no, not Hopper here … he’s a candidate right away … with no college.
2. Stone? Really? Stone?
3. What the hell were you thinking Peter Berg?

Sorry. After that, it just keeps getting dumber and dumber. Basically, here is the gist, humans make big satellites to send a communication out into deep space. All the happy nerds rejoice. One happy nerds says this is a bad idea, but is drowned out by the sounds of the other super nerds rolling their 20-sided die to see who get more experience points. At the same time, all the navies of the world decide to get together, waste their countries’ money and play soccer, drink beer, have a war games type thingy and beat each other up. Somewhere along the line, our main character gets in trouble, again, and is going to be kicked out. Then, aliens send some ships down for a mission, and … and … start to do something stupid. Honestly, who knows what they are trying to do. Along the way, Rihanna shows up as a Petty Officer and ruins every scene they decide to put her in. I would make a joke about needing Chris Brown to save the day, so instead, I will move on and let you form your own thoughts based on what I just typed. What? Too soon? You bet your ass I just said it.

Moving on.

The aliens … the ridiculous aliens. These high-technology, cosmic-traveling, world-devouring, resource-stealing badasses are so dumb. Period. Dumb. Need proof? They just traveled through space. They achieved the ability to travel from one solar system to another. And yet … what do they travel in once on earth? Three over-sized mechanical frogs that can only leap from one place to another. What? Then, when they do decide to attack, they only attack when threatened. What? This is an aggressive conquering race and they only attack when it looks like they are about to be shot at? Am I the only one questioning this logic? They send these giant yo-yo battle droids out to decimate planes, helicopters and other military war machines, but let’s leave the big boats carrying 1,000 lb. missiles until they decide to attack us back. Oh and, I guess, just for fun, let’s take out highways as well because those humans driving their children to school look more menacing than the boats that are still in the water with trained professional soldiers. Smart move.

Do I sound bitter? Irritated? Pissed a little? Yes I do and all that ranting I did is just the beginning. Cheesy as hell with some of the worst dialogue and acting ever, this film does not deserve to be in theaters right now. Why am I mad? Why so angry, little buddy? Because I just saw the “Avengers” twice and if Joss Whedon can deliver this kind of film, then Hollywood needs to stop wasting our time, money and resources and deliver a much better product. That’s why I’m mad. Because with two little ones at home and a third on the way, I had to sit through this stinking pile of dumb rather than seeing the “Avengers” again. That’s why.

Not even remotely entertaining, I laughed at every opportunity this film made at trying to be serious. Of course, mistake number one was trying to make a film based off a board game and include aliens, but still, usually you have to give credit for trying … right? Nope. This is a situation where everyone involves deserves to be slapped, shamed and but in a cage like a dog that just pooped on the floor. Second … let children read the script before you pay the actors to be filmed. They are always honest and will tell you how bad your entire idea was. And lastly, well, honestly, don’t reuse the stuff other terrible movies decided not to use. If the design for Megatron looked bad, don’t repurpose it for an alien spaceship. It was trashed for a reason. I know we all need to be more green and recycle, but sometimes garbage is really just garbage.

Too loud, too dumb and way too long, “Battleship”is the definition of time-waster. Atrocious acting, bad storyline overall and terrible, just terrible everything else, this movie is not where you should spend your time this weekend. Honestly, I could make fun of this film for hours, and yes, I know that I am not a filmmaker and yes I know that I have never tried to make a movie … but I do know what is entertaining and this, my friends, is nowhere close. Better luck seeing anything else or even better, actually playing the board game this film is based on. It’s better, funner and a much better use of your precious time.

1 out 5 Stolen Chicken Burritos

  1. T. Prott says:

    Great review. It was exactly what I thought it would be. I smelled garbage the minute I saw aliens in the trailer. So if my son says “Dad lets see Battleship!” then I can just shake my head, sigh, and hand him his ticket for the Avengers…again. Good work Alex. You saved me again.

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